I don’t want to know.

Nathan, Toki, and Skwisgaar were sprawled out on the couch when Pickles skidded into the living room, his face even paler than usual. “Guys!” he cried, panting a little from the not insignificant distance he’d run from his room, “Emergency!”

“What do you want, Pickles?” Nathan asked, craning his neck to see the TV.

“Hey, Pickle!” Toki cheered. “We’s watching Zazz Blammymatazz on where are they now now, you wants to watch it with us?”

Pickles started to reply, then paused and frowned, “You KNOW where they are now now, they were just here like two hours ago. You made me hide all my blow before they got here.”

“Yeah,” Toki said, “but where are theys NOW now? I needs to know! There could be some important updates.”

“Okay, fine, that’s not the point, the point is I have an emergency and it’s more important than that stupid clown!” Pickles hunched over and beckoned the guys closer, all conspiratorial, and when they showed absolutely no sign of moving he threw up his arms and shouted “Guys, I fucked Offdensen!”

Nathan and Toki stared at Pickles for a moment while Skwisgaar kept gazing blankly at the TV. “Like… like just now?” Nathan asked.

Pickles wrinkled his brow. “Not now, do I look like I just banged a dude?”

“Well I don’t know what a guy who just had sex with a guy who is our manager looks like!” Nathan replied defensively. He paused and thought for a moment. “Wait, do I know what that looks like?” and then, “Wait, never mind, I don’t want to know if I know.”

“Well, it’s not like this, okay?” Pickles squeezed in between Nathan and Skwisgaar. “Nah, it was back when I was in Snakes ‘n’ Barrels. He came to one of our shows and he ended up backstage and I got real high and fucked him ’cause I thought it’d be funny. And then I forgot about it.”

“That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard,” Skwisgaar finally piped up, still not breaking his vacant gaze at the TV. “Why would you have sex with a guy when there’s so many beautiful womens around to do it with?”

“‘Cause I was bored.” Pickles said, clearly explanation enough. “It was a different scene, Skwisgaar.”

“Yeah, a pretty gay one,” Skwisgaar laughed. “I knew yous looked like a pretty lady but I didn’t thinks yous actually gay.”

“Why would you even tell us this?” Nathan asked. “Out of all your options I gotta say… I gotta say this was probably like the worst possible thing to do.”

Pickles buried his face in his hands. “I know, I know, I panicked. I mean, what if he’s been undressin’ me with his eyes all this time?”

“He doesn’t haves to,” Toki pointed out, “Yous gets drunk and come to band meetings with no pants on all the time.”

“Plus he’s got thems video recorders all overs,” Skwisgaar added, “he could looks at yous in the shower and you’d never even knows it.”

“Listen!” Nathan interrupted, slamming his fists on the couch. “How do we know you actually slept with Offdensen? I can’t even remember who I slept with last night, except that she had great tits. Like, awesome tits. Anyway like two months ago you told us you fucked a gryphon and that was way more believable.”

“Oh!” Toki exclaimed, jumping off the couch, “We should asks him!”

Pickles made a face like he was going to vomit and sunk into the couch cushions.”Ah, guys, no, I don’t wanna bring this up with him, alright?”

“No,” Nathan said firmly, “We have to know, as a band, if our manager is into the drummer. That’s important information.”

It took all three of them to drag Pickles into Charles’ office, but luckily for them as wiry as he was he couldn’t stand up to Toki’s biceps or Nathan’s bulk or Skwisgaar’s pointed disinterest. Charles was talking with Murderface when they booted the door open.

“You just wrote ‘Planet Piss’ in Microsoft Word and printed it off, that’s not a shirt design, William.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!” Murderface jabbed at his printout. “Times New Roman is classy.”

“Hey!” Nathan said. “Hey, Offdensen! Hey!”

Charles frowned and straightened his glasses. “Boys, I’m trying to have a meeting with Murderface here.”

“Yeah I know but…” Pickles at this point tried to make a break for it, and Nathan paused to help Toki restrain him. “I just need to ask if you slept with Pickles back when he was in Snakes ‘n’ Barrels.”

Charles stopped writing, but aside from that there was no indication that he found the question anything out of the ordinary. He cleared his throat and said, “Yes I did, Nathan.”

“Oh.” Nathan stood there silent for a moment while Pickles looked in danger of fainting. “That is definitely not the answer I was expecting.”

“You left without saying goodbye you dildo!” Pickles yelled.

“Pickles!” Nathan turned around and glared. “You are making this way more gay than it has to be.”

“I know,” Pickles whispered, “I can’t stop myself.”

Charles tapped his pen impatiently on the desk. “If there’s nothing else, I really need to get back to work.”

“Wait!” Nathan exclaimed, “We need to make this right! I think you need to fuck the rest of us too so Pickles doesn’t feel weird.”

There was a harsh strum from Skwisgaar’s guitar and Charles replied, “That is not going to happen, Nathan.”

“Hm.” Nathan drummed his fingers on the edge of Charles’ desk. “Well, can we break some of your lamps then? I think that makes everyone feel better.”


“Oh fuck that,” Pickles said, wriggling out of Toki’s grasp, “I’m doing it anyway.”

“Keep it to one lamp each, please!” Charles called as the other bandmates skidded out of the room behind Pickles, headed for Lamp Storage. “William, no one is going to buy shirts for a band that doesn’t exist yet, so you may as well join them.”

“Planet Piss exists!”

“Planet Piss is an idea.”

“Robot,” Murderface said.

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