It's a Wonderful Sex Life

Daku scowled at the picturesque sunset and dug his bare toes into the sand. “Should’ve never started dating him in the first damn place,” he muttered, kicking up clumps of dirt and cursing when some got in his eye. “Fucking Waka!” he exclaimed, “This is all your stupid fault.”

“Don’t see how, considering he’s not even here to kick sand in your eye.” Daku jumped at the sound of the voice behind him and spun around. A man in his late thirties stood there, smiling. “What are you doing out here all on your own, friend?” the stranger continued, cocking his head to the side. “Awfully dangerous around these parts at night, I hear.”

Daku was on his feet now, scowling even more fiercely. “I’m not your friend,” he said. “Who the hell are you?”

The man spread his arms, still smiling in a manner that was starting to creep Daku right the hell out. “Terrence,” he said, “Angel in training.”

Daku snorted and relaxed his stance. “Yeah right,” he said, “Aren’t you supposed to have wings and a halo and shit?”

“I’m only in training, I told you, that stuff comes later.” Terrence took off his suit jacket and laid it in the sand. “Sit back down, Daku, we have things to discuss. Your love life, for instance.” Terrence paused. “Well, your love life primarily, I suppose.”

“The hell do you know about that?” Daku growled as he settled cross-legged beside Terrence.

“Oh, plenty enough.” Terrence loosened his tie and rolled up his shirtsleeves. “I know that at this very moment you’re debating whether or not to break up with your boyfriend, who also happens to be your best dude forever, because he’s unimaginative, sexually speaking, and he cums too fast.”

“That’s not impressive,” Daku said, “Anyone who has sex with Waka would come to that conclusion.”

Terrence chuckled and Daku was really starting to find the constant smiling downright unnerving. “Have you ever heard the saying, ‘Everytime two sharks have gay sex, an angel gets its wings?'” he asked.

“No.”

“That’s probably because it only applies in this particular situation,” Terrence said, “but that’s beside the point. Someone up there,” and he pointed up (for emphasis, one assumes), “thinks you two calling it quits would be a bad move. I’m supposed to convince you of the same.”

Daku frowned. “Isn’t any of their business.”

“Oh, I fully agree. But when have you ever heard of the guys upstairs minding their own business?” Terrence shrugged. “Sticking their noses where they don’t belong is pretty much part of the job description.”

Daku picked up a stone and threw it across the water. He got two skips. “Fine, say I buy into your crap since I don’t have anything better to do. What’re we supposed to do, sit here and argue about Waka’s sexual prowess? Because I’ll tell you right now, you’re not gonna win that argument.”

“I have a lazier idea.” Terrence stood up and stretched. “You were saying something about wishing you’d never started dating him to begin with, right? Just stay friends and all that?”

Daku pouted and chuck another stone. Only one skip this time. “It’d be a hell of a lot less stupidly complicated.”

“Well then, let’s see what’d happen if you’d done that.” Terrence held out his hand. “Come on,” he said, “I’ll give you the alternate reality tour, and if you like it better that way I’ll keep it like that. You basically can’t lose.”

* * *

Daku is lying in bed, reading a book.

“Well,” Daku said, “this is already pretty far from the ordinary.”

“It’s just a comic book,” Terrence replied, “Now keep quiet and watch, alright?”

The door creaks open. Noah slinks into the room. Daku sits up and sets his book aside. “I thought you weren’t coming over until later,” he says.

“Changes of plans,” Noah replies with a soft hiss. He shuts and locks the door behind him.

“Holy fuck,” Daku said, staring wide-eyed as Noah makes his way towards the bed. “Holy fuck. I hook up with Noah? Noah?? Holy fuck. Sign me up. Fuck.”

“Yes, yes. Just wait, there’s more.”

Noah kneels on the bed and pulls Daku hard towards him. “Make love to me,” he growls in Daku’s ear.

Daku stared at Noah blankly. “Did he just say what I think he said?”

“Indeed,” Terrence said. “You see, Noah may project this tough guy attitude most of the time, but in the bedroom? Total bottom. 100%. Got a taste for it with his other boyfriend, in a hilarious switching of roles—his other boyfriend couldn’t top a cricket, you understand.”

Daku’s eyes went wide. “But if he’s a bottom, then I’m top, and if I’m top, then that means…”

“That’s right.” Terrence smiled. “He makes you do all the work.”

“No!” Daku stumbled backwards. “That’s not true! It’s impossible!”

“You were pretty star-struck when he put the moves on you, you understand. What’s a little work when you can brag about hitting that, am I right?”

“But sex isn’t supposed to be work!” Daku whined. “Sex is supposed to be me telling Waka I want sex and him giving it to me!”

“And Noah has come to realize much the same thing. Now, let’s skip ahead a bit, shall we?”

* * *

“You’re off already?” Daku asks as Noah slips his clothes back on.

“Have to,” Noah says, “the frog’s coming over early today.”

“Ah.”

“Wait,” Daku said, “Frog? What frog?”

“Oh, no one,” Terrence answered, “Just his soulmate is all.”

“He’s been pretty cold the past couple of times,” Noah continues, “but I’m pretty sure I’ll actually get some tonight.”

“Well, good luck with that.”

“His soulmate?” Daku was fuming now. “Are you telling me that he’s seeing some bitch on the side?”

“Actually, you’re the bitch on the side, if you want to get technical.” Terrence was really getting into the whole process now, practically beaming. “Just until he can get into the gecko’s pants on a fairly regular basis. It’s a slow process, and he’s got a very large sexual appetite, you understand.”

“Oh fuck you!” Daku tried to throw one of the rocks he’d stashed in his pocket at Noah’s head but, being incorporeal, he missed. “You’ve gotta be making shit up because there is no way, no friggin’ way I’d play second fiddle to a gecko. Not even for Noah. Not even for Titus would I do that, and he controls my paycheck.”

“Hey, I don’t make up the alternate universes, I just show you through them.” Terrence gestured to AU-Daku, who had gone back to his comic book. “This is you if you’d never made out with Waka on the beach that one time. And many subsequent times. No fooling. Now come on, there’s a few more things you have to see.”

Daku crossed his arms. “No way. You convinced me, alright? I don’t want to see any more of this train wreck.”

Terrence frowned. “You have to go to the end. You promised.”

“I didn’t promise anything, you sadistic freak. Take me back.”

Terrence stamped his foot. “But if you don’t see the whole thing you might change your mind sometime down the road and then I won’t get my wings and I certainly won’t make senior angel by the second coming and I’ll miss all the fuuuuuuuuuuuuun.”

“FINE. God.”

“That’s better.” Terrence snapped his fingers.

* * *

Daku sits on the beach, near sunset. He sighs and digs his toes into the sand.

“Oh come on,” Daku said, “I would never emo on the beach like some loser teenager.”

“You were emoing on the beach like some loser teenager like twenty minutes ago.”

“That was different.”

“Just shut up, okay?” Terrence pointed down the beach. “Here he comes.”

Waka strolls up, walking along the edge of the shore and letting the waves lap over his feet. He is clearly startled when he sees Daku sitting nearby, and Daku is likewise uncomfortable. “Hey,” Waka says, keeping his distance, “how’ve you been?”

“Oh,” Daku says, “you know. It’s been alright, I guess. You?”

“Yeah, yeah, me too. Alright.”

“Why are we acting all weird?” Daku asked. “It’s like we haven’t talked in forever or something.”

“Well,” Terrence said, “a year isn’t forever, really.”

“A YEAR? But we patrol together!”

Terrence shook his head. “Not anymore you don’t. Waka requested a different partner. He had a crush on you, you see, and it got to the point where it was just really awkward being around you so much.”

“But, but,” Daku sputtered, “We’re Dakuwaka! We’ve gotta be together, it’s like it was preor-fucking-dained! What the hell. What the HELL. That selfish bastard!”

“And who’s the selfish bastard who wanted to find a guy with more stamina, huh? Even though Waka’s crazy for you.”

“Shut UP.” Daku kicked at the sand. “I know, okay? I already knew!”

Terrence peered down the beach again. “Oh, here she comes. This ought to do it.”

“What now?”

Helen comes up behind Waka. “Sorry to keep you waiting,” she says, “am I interrupting?”

“No,” Waka says, putting an arm around her, “we were just finishing.” He nods. “Good to see you, Daku.”

“Yeah,” Daku says, “you too.”

Waka and Helen smile and walk back down the beach, the way they came.

“Oh fuck no,” Daku said and, abandoning Terrence on a dune, ran up to Waka, pulled him away from Helen, and punched him in the face.

“Daku!” Waka exclaimed, “What the hell, man?”

“I don’t care if you cum too fast,” Daku yelled, gripping at Waka’s shirt, “You’re not allowed to stop being my friend and you’re definitely not allowed to start dating this skank! I don’t care what that wannabe angel guys says, never gonna happen, you hear me?”

“What the fuck are you talking about? She was just helping me look for you, you were supposed to meet me for dinner and you never showed up.”

Daku paused. “There’s no guy in a suit standing behind me, is there?”

“No.”

“And I had sex with you just this morning?”

“Twice,” Waka assured him.

Daku’s shoulders slumped and he let go of Waka’s shirt. “When I said skank,” he said sheepishly, “I meant it in the best possible way, of course.”

Helen rolled her eyes. “Just go have gay shark sex or whatever and leave me alone,” she said, “I have more important things to do than look for beach bums.”

“Fuck you too, Helen.”

“Hey,” Waka said, “what do you mean, I cum too fast?”

Daku laughed. “Don’t worry about it, man, it’s better than the alternative. Let’s go help some twisted freak get his wings.”

And that’s just what they did.

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